I'VE GOT ADEZ

On the day the Big Brother eight house went monosexual the Unilever marketing department have amazed and astounded in equal measure by bringing out a fruit juice called AdeZ.

Imagine the scene: like one of those surprisingly bearable Barclays adverts where the keen, young sales scamp comes up with an idea which is universally scoffed at by his contemporaries due to it being 'far too outlandish'. Then, lo and behold' the exec turns on a sixpence surprising everyone except the thirty million people watching, and loves it!

I like to think the Unilever advert played out something like this:

Seven sharp suited young bucks are sat round an enormous, shiny, black, granite-effect table in the middle of just one floor of the Unilever tower in central London. They are variously chewing gum and making smug eyes at one another across the table as the camera pans around them and on to the gent holding the meeting. As he turns around he looks flustered, there are some scribblings on a flipchart with crossed our words like "megajuice" or "soyajoy." He throws his hands down on the table and the camera draws to an abrupt halt zooming in on his face. A quick glance around the now attent faces.

Manager: "so, is that all we've got? I'm gonna go round the room one more time, now, IMPRESS ME!"

Employee 1: "superjuice"

Employee 2: "liquidluxury"

Employee 3: "sexysauce?"

Manager (about to erupt): "sexysauce! what the hell is that, we're not making porn here! is that all you guys have got?"

Then in saunters our hero looking bedraggled and stuttering apologies across the room as he rushes to take his seat. There is deep sadness in his eyes and he sits with a slump.

Manager: "well Dave, I'm glad you could join us, so... what have got?"

Dave (still will distance in his eyes and in a tone suggesting coming to terms with something): "I've got Aids..."

The room falls silent, everyone looks sheepishly around at each other lost for words. The manager however, swings round to look at the flipchart. The two either side of Dave lean in to commiserate him when the manager whirls back around with a smile on his face.

Manager: "YES dave, yes! I love it, that's brilliant, we'll call the juice AdeZ! it's so ironic, so pure, so 'je ne sais quoi.' The germans will love it, everyone will love it, you're a genius, have yourself a raise!"

Dave (mumbled to himself as if 'the punchline'): "there's not much point"

A single tear rolls down his cheek and as the camera pulls away he begins to cry, the two either side hug him in turn and the manager scrawls in big letters ADEZ on a fresh page of the flipchart, jumping about and cheering.



This is amazing, unilever grabbed the baton of idiocy from Anusol's outstretched hand to run the next leg of the bad marketing relay. idiots.